Anony Sufi

I was not raised eating zabiha meat.  But I switched, alhamdulillah.

I was at a Zaytuna program a couple of years ago and Shaykh Muhammad al-Ya’coubi and Imam Zaid both were emphasizing the importance of watching what one puts in his or her body.  I also remembering the hadith of the dusty wayfarar who raises his hands to God pleading yet God will not respond because his income and food are haram.

At some point, I did some research regarding what the scholars have said and I realized that I should play it safe.  So– I switched.  It was one of the best decisions I’ve made in my life.  It was good for my health and soul. 

Anony Sufi

It is difficult not to have one’s dua not answered in times of tribulation.  You make the dua for weeks, months, maybe even years.  After awhile, the dua becomes half-baked.  You do it only mechanically and kind of just for the sake of doing so.  I look to my inner self: am I committing sin?  Is my food and income halal?  I don’t think I’m committing any major sins.  I mean I’m not perfect but I’ve made many changes in my life alhamdulillah.  I’ve quit music, switched zabiha/halal meat, and more.  I know there’s a wisdom, I know every dua counts, but sometimes one gets disheartened, especially in times of true necessity and fear.  *sigh*

Anony Sufi

Oh my goodness, where HAVE I been?

Alhamdulillah I had the blessing of venturing to Mecca and Medina for hajj!  This has been absolutely uplifting and is doing wonders for my state. 

Even more beautiful, Allah has allowed me to go in is (or rather was) what probably the lowest point in my life.  How merciful is He!

Insha’Allah I will be back to write more.

Anony Sufi

Ever since having joined the Sufi order, I’ve had many “openings” alhamdulillah.  Things got tough, but at the same time, many doors were opened to me.  Concerning those tough times, had I not had a shaykh, an order, some sort of guidance, I don’t know what I would have done.

I am the ungrateful servant whom God continues to bless and I continue to remain in my ghafla.  God opens a door and I give nothing but a small thanks and carry on.  How can I claim love and gratitutde in complete and utter heedlessness.

I remember once I had a dream with the Prophet (peace be upon him).  Usually, people would be elated, but I was sad.  We were in a room and he was at a distance from me.  Two men were talking to him but he was only paying attention to me; he looked rather disappointed in me.

I am better than nobody.  Not a single soul.  It is true many brothers do not have beards, many sisters do not wear hijab, many Muslims engage things contrary to the sunnah.  But I am worse than them!  I am worse because God sent me scholars to study with, allowed them to share their texts and knowledge with me, He sent me a spiritual guide, He blessed me with knowledge and a clear mind.  Had such people been given the same experiences, they would be better than I!  Yet, I remain ungrateful.  I obey my nafs.  Oh the difference between what I offer and what He offers!

Sometimes I want to cry out of fear, out of longing, but I fear that all I will shed nothing but crocodile tears.  I am unworthy to even lament due to my possible insincerity.

Oh Allah, I complain to you of my weakness.  Though I am unworthy, do not even shun me due to my heedlessness.  Keep me in Your gaze and continue to elevate me so that I may be beloved to You.

Anony Sufi

I miss my shaykh.

I remember sitting in a circle with a teacher of mine a couple of years back and he was talking about his shaykh.  He was saying that he studied with him for 10 years in his country and back recently to live in the States.  He was saying how he can still feel his presence and how he misses him.  At the time, the concepts of murshids and murids were fairly new to me so I didn’t quite relate, but now I do  :(  Having your shaykh in the same town as you is really comforting.  Knowing that you would get to sit in his lesson that night in the zawiya with your fellow murids was special.  Oh Allah, take me back…

Anony Sufi

Unfortunately, tasawwuf is rather controversial amongst Muslims, especially in the West.

Usually, it’s a easy to keep the fact that you are in a Sufi order a secret. Just don’t tell people. People might figure out you have a certain affinity, but being in a Sufi order is really another matter.

But at some point, you have to say it… that’s right. You don’t want to kees this a secret from your spouse. So when a prospective spouse/rishta/khateeb comes along, you kinda want to fish around on his/her possible opinion. You slowly dig… you ask questions like:

• What do you think of the scholar so-and-so (insert well known scholar here)
• Do you follow a madhab?
• Do you follow a group of scholars? If so, who?
• Group dhikr- yay or nay?

But eventually you’ll come across that person who really doesn’t offer much. Repeating “well, I’m religious, it’s my life” doesn’t really offer much.

I could never marry someone who does not practice tasawwuf, much less someone who is anti-Sufi.  How do you mention to someone who is practically a stranger “oh by by the way… I’m in a Sufi order…”

Any thoughts?

I feel so distant from Him and I feel as though He is distant from me.  I need Him more than ever right now.  How inadequate I am!

The climax of a trial hit me hard last night.  There are somethings in life you expect to happen, but the question is when?  So yesterday I got a smack upside the head with a difficult trial.  Alhamdulillah, I think over all I am handling it pretty well.  I haven’t broken my Forty Grand as a result of the trial, as angry as I may be inside.. maybe this Sufi stuff really works

Duas.

Anony Sufi

Alhamdulillah! Thank God.  I’m finally being consistent in my worship, including my wird.  I even started taking on another wird (hizb al-bahr).  I think this time around I will complete the Forty Grand insha’Allah.  The struggle is becoming less and less and it is slowly just becoming a part of me.

I put a little mini-musalla in my living room and put some incense around it and left some oils so that before I pray I can smell my best.  This is quite exciting.

Anony Sufi

Subhanallah, I am really having a hard time dealing with others. Perhaps, ,since I am focusing more on my suluk, my awareness has been heightened.  Does anyone have any advice?  I mean how do you do it?  How do you just deal with it?  I can easily be calm on the outside, I’m certainly good at that.  But in the inside, it’s just an awful mess.

Moreover, when I mean dealing with others, I’m talking about real issues.  I’m not talking about pety things like oh this person chews with their mouth open, or are slightly rude sometimes, or does things in a way that annoys me- I mean things like conflict amongst each other that is real and hurts those around them, that sort of thing.  I was sitting in a gathering where my Shaykh was speaking about this issue- oh Allah, I felt he was directly speaking to me.  He said it… when people do things that annoy you, don’t let it get to you, he said.  Just remember your own faults and do dhikr.  But in the end, don’t let the silly actions of others get in the way of your path to Allah… Quite a hefty duty if you ask me.  Insha’Allah, in due time…

I’m really glad I’ll be living on my own now for awhile.  This will give me a good chance insha’Allah to be able to reflect on myself and how I can deal with it.  It’s more easy to control my nafs that way and once I have a hold on my nafs, hopefully I can deal with others in a more… easy manner?

Allah knows best.

Anony Sufi