Anony Sufi

I’ve gone AWOL.  Life has gotten me busy.

A lot has changed since I started this blog.  If it’s not one test, it’s another.

“God does not burden any human being with more than he is well able to bear: in his favour shall be whatever good he does, and against him whatever evil he does.

“O our Sustainer! Take us not to task if we forget or unwittingly do wrong!

“O our Sustainer! Lay not upon us a burden such as Thou didst lay upon those who lived before us!* O our Sustainer! Make us not bear burdens which we have no strength to bear!

“And efface Thou our sins, and grant us forgiveness, and bestow Thy mercy upon us! Thou art our Lord Supreme: succour us, then, against people who deny the truth!” (Qur’an 2:286)

These are some of my favorite verses from the Qur’an, though sometimes in the midst of trials it is difficult to remember and hold on to these words.  You feel like you’re in a dark tunnel and you don’t even see the light at the end.  That’s probably the biggest trial- not knowing when it’ll be over.  It’s much more bearable if you know a week from now it’ll be done with, but where there is no end in sight, it’s so much easier to lose hope.

I ask Allah for hope.  And trust.

Of course it’s not always trials.  Even though a little over a year ago I was going through one of the biggest trials of my life, the past few months have been the happiest for me (despite the hiccups).  Allah blessed me with an amazing companion in the most beautiful of ways.

Tawakkul (Reliance on God) is probably my biggest weakness.  I never learn, though Allah has been so gracious to end my tribulations, and maybe that’s why Allah does not give me the light at the end– because He wants me to learn to trust Him, no matter how dark it is.

And so we fluctuate in our faith.  One day we feel like we’re the best Traveler and ready for the next challenge.  The next day may be one that is difficult.  This behooves us to reflect on why that is and how to come to terms.

Anony Sufi

The soul is a dynamic entity that many people do not understand. We barely know our own selves, let alone enough to contemplate what the soul is.

Have you ever woken up in the morning and just wanted to cry because you were so overwhelmed? Not overwhelmed in the negative sense, quite the contrary. Allah has blessed you with so many blessings, most of them uncounted for. You are free of need, and sometimes even want. Our brains adapt to our surroundings and we start to take things for granted. The soul, however, never forgets and is always grateful because it holds fast to the fitra (primordial state).

I remember once at a gathering, a scholar told us that if you ever feel like crying in instances like this, then go ahead and cry. Tears are a sign of mercy and soften the heart. I’d like to add that they can remind us of what we should be grateful and our ignorance of what do not know what to be grateful for.

Anony Sufi

Our shaykh says that the hadra is for polishing the heart.

Allaha Allah Allaha…

Everyone in unison bowing. You need not look, but only feel.

Allaha Allah Allah…

Sometimes I have a hard time trying to focus on Allah. Think of Allah, think of Allah. Do not be distracted. Concentrate.

I took the advice of someone I know; paint a picture.

The Beloved                                                       My Shaykh

Allah

Ka’aba                                                            Prostration

Ma’rifa Fana’ Baqa’

Those who came before. Those present around me. Those yet to come.

TaHarqiiqqaa

Allaha Allah Allaha….

My eyes started to swell with tears.

Allaha Allah Allaha…

I thought of a dream I once had a few years ago of the Prophet (peace be upon him). I was in a quiet room and on the opposite side there he was with two men speaking to him. He was not paying attention to them, but looking at me with a straight face.

Allaha Allah Allah…

Before a trip to ‘umrah, I dreamed of my group circumbulating the Ka’ba and I saw the Prophet towering over us, but he was covered in a white cloak so I could not see him.

Allah Allah Allah…

My soul was fighting to escape my body. The tears were fighting to leave my eyes.

My hands started to tingle and the sensation started to go up my arms.

I juxtaposed the dreams and finally understood.

What the Sufis mean by Veils. The Veils between the Seeker and the One being sought.

ALLAH

Anony Sufi

I don’t know if I was ever really missed, but in the off chance I was, I have decided to come back.

In the past few weeks, there are several things I could have written about and it would be too much to say them all now. I have been busy lately but insha’Allah I will try to maintain this blog a bit more. Although it has been almost a year since my initiation and almost three years since I considered it, I am only starting to feel used to it. I feel like that toddler who is finally taking baby steps, but only to fall after a couple. But she gets back up and tries again. I am just starting to get the hang of it and I still trip. Hopefully in another year, I will be able to waddle with ease.

I think one thing I have been contemplating quite a bit is death. I do not mean this in a morbid way, but I have to admit I am curious. I have heard about several deaths lately (mostly young people) and along with the VT Shootings, I can not help to ponder.

Western culture usually associates death with sadness- and rightly so, but I have a different view. While I know I am not ready to meet my Creator and I admit I get scared, I am also very curious. We battle here on this earth left and right about the nature of existence and whether there is a God. But those who have passed, they know that secret. They know what we know not. That young innocent child who passed knows more about the world than the greatest of physicists. I find it absolutely fascinating!

I pictured myself passed, leaving the world, and meeting my Lord. Can you imagine it? Picture yourself standing in front of Him beholding His awesomeness. I do not really know my state with Him is, but I hope that I can earn His mercy, and if I do not earn it, that He will bless me with it anyway. What lies on the other side? The departed know.

Oh, God, please take me when I am most dearest to You.

Anony Sufi

Ever since having joined the Sufi order, I’ve had many “openings” alhamdulillah.  Things got tough, but at the same time, many doors were opened to me.  Concerning those tough times, had I not had a shaykh, an order, some sort of guidance, I don’t know what I would have done.

I am the ungrateful servant whom God continues to bless and I continue to remain in my ghafla.  God opens a door and I give nothing but a small thanks and carry on.  How can I claim love and gratitutde in complete and utter heedlessness.

I remember once I had a dream with the Prophet (peace be upon him).  Usually, people would be elated, but I was sad.  We were in a room and he was at a distance from me.  Two men were talking to him but he was only paying attention to me; he looked rather disappointed in me.

I am better than nobody.  Not a single soul.  It is true many brothers do not have beards, many sisters do not wear hijab, many Muslims engage things contrary to the sunnah.  But I am worse than them!  I am worse because God sent me scholars to study with, allowed them to share their texts and knowledge with me, He sent me a spiritual guide, He blessed me with knowledge and a clear mind.  Had such people been given the same experiences, they would be better than I!  Yet, I remain ungrateful.  I obey my nafs.  Oh the difference between what I offer and what He offers!

Sometimes I want to cry out of fear, out of longing, but I fear that all I will shed nothing but crocodile tears.  I am unworthy to even lament due to my possible insincerity.

Oh Allah, I complain to you of my weakness.  Though I am unworthy, do not even shun me due to my heedlessness.  Keep me in Your gaze and continue to elevate me so that I may be beloved to You.

Anony Sufi

I miss my shaykh.

I remember sitting in a circle with a teacher of mine a couple of years back and he was talking about his shaykh.  He was saying that he studied with him for 10 years in his country and back recently to live in the States.  He was saying how he can still feel his presence and how he misses him.  At the time, the concepts of murshids and murids were fairly new to me so I didn’t quite relate, but now I do  :(  Having your shaykh in the same town as you is really comforting.  Knowing that you would get to sit in his lesson that night in the zawiya with your fellow murids was special.  Oh Allah, take me back…

Anony Sufi

I feel so distant from Him and I feel as though He is distant from me.  I need Him more than ever right now.  How inadequate I am!

The climax of a trial hit me hard last night.  There are somethings in life you expect to happen, but the question is when?  So yesterday I got a smack upside the head with a difficult trial.  Alhamdulillah, I think over all I am handling it pretty well.  I haven’t broken my Forty Grand as a result of the trial, as angry as I may be inside.. maybe this Sufi stuff really works

Duas.

Anony Sufi

Alhamdulillah! Thank God.  I’m finally being consistent in my worship, including my wird.  I even started taking on another wird (hizb al-bahr).  I think this time around I will complete the Forty Grand insha’Allah.  The struggle is becoming less and less and it is slowly just becoming a part of me.

I put a little mini-musalla in my living room and put some incense around it and left some oils so that before I pray I can smell my best.  This is quite exciting.

Anony Sufi

I find that dealing with other people can be just as difficult as dealing with your nafs sometimes.  It goes without saying though, that the two are probably inter-related.

Sometimes people leave a mess around the place, or jump in the shower even though you are the one who turned the water heater on and have been waiting for the water to heat, or perhaps go into your room to get something in your absence that you purposely left in your room so that no one would touch it.

You feel stomped on, as though someone people are not considering you.  Sometimes it is done maliciously, sometimes it is not.  Asking that your space not be invaded or keeping the place can are certainly my right yet I can’t seem to approach the issue.  I don’t think it’s just so nafsi that I should have particular rights of mine observed by others (particularly keeping the place clean, especially not liking that dishes pile up in the kitchen for days!)  No one likes drama.  How does one deal with this?  Is putting up a sign asking to clean the place not enough?  Should I feel hurt that someone alters the message in such way that to mock me ‘do not leave a mess’ and someone erases the ‘not’).  How does one remain calm, does not come off as some of clean control freak, and keep that inner peace?

However, at the end of the day, I remember how I too may annoy people on some level or another.  Maybe not as a big a deal, but still, I am not perfect.  Perhaps I too have trudged on someone else’s right without realizing it.  In the end,  the person I am most annoyed and disappointed with is myself- for not always considering other people and not being able to just deal with my nafs and other people in a manner that is fitting.

Anony Sufi