Ever since having joined the Sufi order, I’ve had many “openings” alhamdulillah. Things got tough, but at the same time, many doors were opened to me. Concerning those tough times, had I not had a shaykh, an order, some sort of guidance, I don’t know what I would have done.
I am the ungrateful servant whom God continues to bless and I continue to remain in my ghafla. God opens a door and I give nothing but a small thanks and carry on. How can I claim love and gratitutde in complete and utter heedlessness.
I remember once I had a dream with the Prophet (peace be upon him). Usually, people would be elated, but I was sad. We were in a room and he was at a distance from me. Two men were talking to him but he was only paying attention to me; he looked rather disappointed in me.
I am better than nobody. Not a single soul. It is true many brothers do not have beards, many sisters do not wear hijab, many Muslims engage things contrary to the sunnah. But I am worse than them! I am worse because God sent me scholars to study with, allowed them to share their texts and knowledge with me, He sent me a spiritual guide, He blessed me with knowledge and a clear mind. Had such people been given the same experiences, they would be better than I! Yet, I remain ungrateful. I obey my nafs. Oh the difference between what I offer and what He offers!
Sometimes I want to cry out of fear, out of longing, but I fear that all I will shed nothing but crocodile tears. I am unworthy to even lament due to my possible insincerity.
Oh Allah, I complain to you of my weakness. Though I am unworthy, do not even shun me due to my heedlessness. Keep me in Your gaze and continue to elevate me so that I may be beloved to You.
Anony Sufi
Having your shaykh in the same town as you is really comforting. Knowing that you would get to sit in his lesson that night in the zawiya with your fellow murids was special. Oh Allah, take me back…
