Marriage: “Oh, I should probably mention…”
Unfortunately, tasawwuf is rather controversial amongst Muslims, especially in the West.
Usually, it’s a easy to keep the fact that you are in a Sufi order a secret. Just don’t tell people. People might figure out you have a certain affinity, but being in a Sufi order is really another matter.
But at some point, you have to say it… that’s right. You don’t want to kees this a secret from your spouse. So when a prospective spouse/rishta/khateeb comes along, you kinda want to fish around on his/her possible opinion. You slowly dig… you ask questions like:
- What do you think of the scholar so-and-so (insert well known scholar here)
- Do you follow a madhab?
- Do you follow a group of scholars? If so, who?
- Group dhikr- yay or nay?
But eventually you’ll come across that person who really doesn’t offer much. Repeating “well, I’m religious, it’s my life” doesn’t really offer much.
I could never marry someone who does not practice tasawwuf, much less someone who is anti-Sufi. How do you mention to someone who is practically a stranger “oh by by the way… I’m in a Sufi order…”
Any thoughts? 
juhah Said:
on October 17, 2006 at 10:00 pm
The general policy is that only family and room mates know. Possibly REALLY close friends. Beyond, no one but Allah and your Sheikh.
anonymous Said:
on October 19, 2006 at 6:14 am
Subhan’allah my own family doesn’t even know. When it comes to proposals, generally I’ve found that if they’re not OK with sufis, you will find much more (apart from sufism) that you will disagree with. e.g. following a madhhab, tawassul and many other issues.
If you ask them generally what they think of sufism and they give you a negative answer, then you don’t need to tell them you are in a sufi order. They’re already off the list.
A good way of approaching the subject is quoting the famous “Jibrail Hadith” of Islam, Iman and Ihsan and asking them what they take from that.
Irving Said:
on October 19, 2006 at 4:32 pm
Why not just marry a dervish of your Order, or ask your Shaikh for his advice on the matter. Many come to our khaniqah in order to meet a darvish potential spouse. It is not a guarantee of a successful marriage, but it helps.
Ya Haqq!
Abdur Rahman Said:
on October 20, 2006 at 8:19 am
Salaams,
Du’a helps too!
Also, sometimes I feel we put far too much emphasis upon labels. With labels such as ’sufi’ there’s so much baggage, it can get in the way. A potential spouse may well be a ’sufi’ or have sufi leanings but may, for one reason or another, baulk at the use of the word itself.
Ultimately, your spouse has already been decided for you. She/he is already seeking you out!!
It’s all in God’s hands: phew! that’s a relief!!!
juhah Said:
on October 26, 2006 at 6:28 pm
I’m going to try to popularize the term “Zaytuni” for someone who is affiliated with Zaytuna.
Yursil Said:
on November 13, 2006 at 3:16 am
as-salamu’alaikum,
I married someone who was not very religious but was very eager to learn. Alhamdulillah, I overcame the problem of anti-sufi folks this way, and brought someone closer to Islam as best I could.
pbsweeney Said:
on November 18, 2006 at 10:36 am
There are deeply spiritual people in all traditions, and who God chooses for you may not be what you are expecting or actively seeking. A life long Catholic, God surprised me by bringing me together with a Sufi! Now we belong to the same order together.
Bin Said Said:
on December 25, 2006 at 12:13 pm
Salam. Sayyid Nurjan Mirahmadi of Naqsyabandi Haqqani Order once said in his visits that when you have diamonds in your pockets, you don’t just mix around with any company.
A white gown gets dirty very easily… something to think about eh?
Umm Layth Said:
on February 23, 2007 at 7:45 pm
That’s ^ a beautiful statement. Jazaaka Allaahu khairan for sharing.
mrs jabaar Said:
on May 29, 2007 at 8:46 am
slms, actually i understand ur sentiments completely, Anony Sufi. i was engaged about 3 years ago, but broke it off for the main reason that he could not understand my dedication and closeness to my Shaykh. we constantly fought about things u really dont have to. now, a few years later, after many years of longing and duas, iv finally married a man who is more than what i expected alhamdulillaah.
my suggestion is that u keep ur identity between your fellow murids and those people u already know about, as knowing this detail creates closer relationships and deeper understanding, my boss and her husband are in tasawwuf and its the best thing ever, coz we can openly share info from our Shaykhs. its wonderful, i say it all depends on your intention,tell those whom u no won’t pick up unnecessary arguments.
as for your marriage partner, try hard to find her inside your tariqah, its heaven on earth my brother! ask your shaykh to help u out.
to tell the truth, my spouse and i married after being only 2 months engaged. the basis for our decision was that we shared the same views on tasawwuf and love for our Shaykh, which is ultimately love for Allah, as our shaykh guides us to that.
g2g, wslm
Random Person Said:
on June 12, 2007 at 6:56 am
Assalamu Alaikum,
Nice blog, Masha’Allah. Just fell upon it today, but plan to read more of it later iA. You’re right, there are many misconceptions about Sufism. People are quick to judge. However, although I think that it’s great how Sufi’s regularly do dhikr and work towards purifying their hearts, I had one doubt. When Sufi’s speak to their Shaykhs, what do they talk about? Do they confess what their sins are, and ask how to improve themselves? Isn’t that not allowed, revealing your own sins, if Allah has hidden them?
I used to have a lot of misconceptions about Tasawwuf, but now that I’m engaged to a Sufi I found out a lot more about it first-hand. I could just never get myself to ask him about the shaykh thing. (We don’t really talk since he’s non-mahram still, heh). Could anyone explain it?
Jazak Allah Khair
Anony Sufi Said:
on June 12, 2007 at 1:35 pm
Assalamu alaikum Random Person,
No, Sufis do not confess their sins to their shaykh. Murids typically ask for advice. Although this may entail confessing something, it is not “confession” but rather background information necessary to receive advice, in which case there is nothing wrong. Shaykhs also give their murids “lessons,” which entail spiritual discipline. I hope that explains it.
Random Person Said:
on June 12, 2007 at 3:46 pm
Thanks for your prompt reply, that does explain it. I don’t know, my fiancee gave the example that if someone has a sense of ego in their personality, then they could go to their Shaykh and ask for advice about how they could purify their hearts. The Shaykh would then say something like organize everyone’s shoes in the masjid, so there is no pride, but instead, humbleness. Okay, so basically murids ask for advice about how to improve their character? Also some people told me they can ask their Shaykhs anything, including medical advice or proposal advice. You’re not forced to ask them everything right, you have a choice?
Sorry if I sound a bit crazy. Just curious about Sufi’s! Would like to learn as much as possible about them before the wedding. There are a lot of misconceptions about them and I’d just like to get rid of them. Jazak Allah Khair.
Khadija Said:
on August 4, 2007 at 8:24 pm
Anony Sufi I agree!
Those questions are important.
Although it’s sad how we’re not very united and it’s all like sunnipath/zaytuna/ vs. almaghrib
yasir qadi vs. shaykh hamza yusuf etc.
but even so it’s important that you marry someone with a similar worldview
Random Person congrats with your engagement.
inshaAllah everything goes well for you!
Sunnipath.com has some good resources on learning about tasawwuff
a deer friend Said:
on December 11, 2007 at 8:47 pm
Early in my relationship with my wife, a nondarvish, she struggled to understand the nature of the Master/disciple relationship. One night she had a dream. She was in a boat alone. It was drifting downstream. She gazed over the side into the water below. She saw multitudes of fish swimming beneath the surface, but she realized that they were actually human souls and not fish. This realization gave her a pleasant, peaceful feeling and she began to take in the entire scene. Along the shoreline there was a group of deer feeding in a meadow. Suddenly a ferocious male lion burst from the forest beyond the meadow and chased the terrified deer into the water. He swam after each powerfully and upon reaching each he tore at them with his teeth and claws until they sank beneath the surface. After finishing with the last the lion’s gaze fell upon my wife and he began swimming toward the boat. She woke up instantly, somewhat shaken and very much aware of the relationship between Master and disciple.
EternalWanderer Said:
on February 12, 2008 at 2:11 pm
Salams,
This is one my dillemmas!!
What should i do first? Travel for knowledge (to places like Jordon) and get a compatible partner as a bonus too….OR marry some local freshy or what my parents choose to someone who is Not a sufi and doesnt share my ideals in life, and THEN travel with him to seek knowledge???????
Im so confused and lost. I dont know wat will come first, as I have a choice….but time is of the essence. Plz help with any feedback?!
Safiyah Said:
on March 22, 2008 at 12:07 pm
assalaamu alaikum,
just stumbled across your page today!
Rabbi innee limaa anzalta ilayya min khayrin faqeer [28:24]
[My Lord, I am in absolute need of the good You send me]
http://qa.sunnipath.com/issue_view.asp?HD=1&ID=1908&CATE=10
EternalWanderer Said:
on March 22, 2008 at 12:46 pm
walaiakum salam Safiya,
Jazakallah khairan for this link and duah.
ws